This post has been a long time coming. I have tried several times to share this story for someone's benefit. In my mind, I have already published it those several times, but after searching more than once, I can't find any post where I discuss this experience. So with hope in mind that this may help someone, I share it. I hope it will further blessings, not cursings, and quite possibly help someone avoid the pain that has accompanied the lesson. It ran deep.
A friend taught me a long time ago to hold revelation loosely. He said it's important when you receive revelation, to hold it loosely enough that if more revelation were to come, it would not unsettle me because I allowed room for more gaps to be filled in, for more knowledge to be gained, and more wisdom to be inherited. To hold a revelation rigidly would not allow for greater light and knowledge to be gained, perhaps causing me to rigidly reject the new information, labeling it not of God. With that in mind, I sought increased personal revelation from God Almighty.
During the time I was working closely with this male friend, seeking to learn the things of God. I felt he knew more than I did, so I trusted much of what he taught me. He later told me he really didn't know anything. Despite his repentance from his pride of believing he knew anything worth sharing, I still believe much of what he taught me contained a great deal of truth. It has withstood at very least, several years of time and careful evaluation and life experience. He was endowed with wisdom on this point of holding revelation loosely.
About the same time I worked with him, I was friends with several individuals. They were seeking the things of God, as I was. One of the women had already learned amazing things, and I wanted to learn them too! These were things related to talents and skills I knew I held in myself, but didn't understand or know how to translate into everyday use. Looking back, it wasn't that this knowledge was impossible to learn, it was just that she had been down the path of finding it for a longer period of time than I had. For clarity in this post, I will call her the 'Revelator', as she claimed to receive information from angels and Jesus to pass along to the rest of us. I was so excited to know her! To learn from her! To work with her! So cool!
Another female was seeking knowledge from the first - I'll call her the 'Elder', as she had wonderful skills and God-given blessings that appeared just as special as being able to receive clear revelation. Her experience seemed wise, compared to my inexperience. She was the one who had introduced me to the Revelator to begin with. And I was so excited to know her too! To be her friend was a gift I sincerely cherished, because I felt we were such kindred spirits. I absolutely loved her with all my heart, quite possibly more than any friend I'd had in a long time. I trusted her extensively.
The third woman was a supporting friend who likewise associated with the other two. She appeared to hold so much charity that one could not help but love her. I'll call her the 'Charity'. At least it appeared to be charity. She was so very, very sweet, and lent the impression that she was on a constant spiritual high.
And then there was me. I was several years younger than all of them. And I was poor and unkempt under the surface. Despite my inexperience in motherhood and life, I was chipper and happy and eager to be their friend.
In time I considered myself very close friends with the three, joining them on the path towards God. And as I learned from them, it had been made clear to me, that certain things they shared with me were so special, so "sacred" that I ought never share outside the confidence of the group. It was quite like something kids might say on the playground or at a sleepover. "You're my bestest, bestest friend, so I'm going to share this private private information with you. PLEASE don't tell ANYONE what I'm going to tell you, ok?" Sure! I won't tell anyone, even though I have no idea what you're going to divulge. Tell me everything. As a person of integrity, I had no need or desire to break the trust they placed upon me.
One day, things changed when I received a strong inclination to tell one of their revelations with my husband. In truth, who doesn't want to share intimate secrets with their spouse? The natural disposition of humans is to divulge secrets. And if one loves their spouse, would they not also want them to receive the special revelations of God, to progress along the path towards Him and know the things of Him? Is that not only natural, but Christlike love? To want everyone to be special, special, special and learn this understanding of sacred things?
But wait. To share their revelations - which I all but promised and nearly-but-didn't-completely swear up and down not to – would be breaking trust with them. It would not only turn me into a gossip, but completely and clearly untrustable. Is that really you prompting me, God? Is this a test? Don't you want me to keep your revelations sacred? Is my husband worthy of such things? Would he reject the revelation, and by doing so, have his progression damned because he rejected information from God, despite it not being his own?
I asked this question for days, weeks, and what felt like forever. I pushed off the prompting. No way would I share their secret. NO way. I was a woman of integrity, and I can keep confidences. But the feeling persisted. Was this the devil, pressuring me?
Such confusion! Ugh!
One day, I even talked to the Revelator about it. I didn't tell her specifically what I had been feeling, but just that I had been feeling led to do something that seemed or felt very contrary to anything I'd ever experienced. She confirmed that I'd need to follow my heart, which ironically was confirming that I needed to share this secret.
What a betrayal! What a friend I wasn't! How could I do that??? Ugh!!!
Trusting in the mercy of God, I proceeded one evening to share her secret with my husband. My hands shook. I was petrified! We were sitting in a restaurant on a date, and I could have sworn the whole room was listening, even the walls. Angels taking note, good or bad.
My husband's response? He thought the revelation was nothing he cared to even discuss or hear more of, and left it at that. Next conversation, Jen. Eat your food.
Little did I know that Charity was also receiving such promptings, but rather than follow them, she asked permission to share from the Revelator and the Elder. They adamantly and with much vehemence, declined her request, then strengthened the need and requirement for their secret to be kept among all of us by calling me to assert the requirement. When the Elder shared this information with me, I felt extreme guilt, and the next day apologized to her, admitting that I had already done such sharing. I called the Revelator and confessed likewise. She took in my apology, processed it, and a week or so later spent 45 minutes on the phone, yelling, deriding, chastising me, and furious that I was only acting on my own guilt, weakness, and need to feel accepted by my husband. Her confident belief was that I shared her secret to satisfy my own personal needs, and it had nothing to do with God's will. She was absolutely certain. And I believed her.
I cried, I petitioned God for forgiveness, I cried and apologized for hours to my friend, the Elder. I mourned, literally sobbing at times. I could not feel any lower. After a few days I begged her to help me reconcile with the Revelator. After defending myself, asserting that I felt it was God's will for me to share, she was shocked at my audacity. I simply did not understand, she felt, the absolute PAIN I had caused, and I was not repentant enough to merit continuing the friendship. I needed to repent more for what I had done. This was all done via a very lengthy email, which included a rejection of our friendship as well. In her words, I was virtually cast out of the Garden of Eden.
So confused, so heartbroken, so depressed, I cried AGAIN for days, asking God for forgiveness. Where had I gone wrong? Had I transgressed His commands, His requirements for keeping sacred things private? But my husband was not the devil, nor was he someone who would spread such things. Oh, what a mess! Such remorse, such regret.
In talking to my male friend, who taught me to hold revelations loosely, he simply told me he didn't think I was wrong to share. He believed I had simply followed God's promptings. Simple. Nothing to be mourn about. And if I had greatly sinned, he did not feel it warranted great repentance and sackcloth and ashes. It was an honest attempt at listening.
Could it be true? Was it possible that a lowly soul like me, who isn't a revelator, not particularly wise, and not exactly charitable, could receive a revelation which was contrary to women with such clear bestowals of heavenly power and wisdom? Could it be possible that I was right in obeying the command placed upon my heart?
In sincere truth, whether I'm right or wrong, I know with my heart I did the absolute BEST I could do, with the information I had been given. It's been years since this took place and I feel no pedestal-like respect for any of them, yet no animosity either. Knowing I'm not a gossip, I know it could not possibly be my nature to want to spread people's personal information around just for the sake of sharing. I only knew how to follow my heart. From this I learned that the primary way I receive revelation is through the heart. And I don't know, but I strongly trust that I was doing what God asked me to do, whether or not these three witnesses of sorts believe that to be false or true.
If I take a moment to imagine that I was wrong, there are myriad of scriptures to suggest that God appreciates our repentance, and will gather us as a hen gathers his chicks. He does not delight in casting people out of his garden, and to cast one away is a monumental, earth shattering event. This was not an earth shattering transgression in God's eyes, and He did not remove His influence from my life. If anything I learned to trust God more completely, relying less and less on the arm of the flesh. All good things.
This experience prompted the early posts on this blog, about forgiveness, and relying on the mercy of Jesus for healing. Indeed, this experience initiated A Major Shift in my life, one I am still working on daily.
God continues to remind me of this experience from time to time. Two main lessons stick out.
1. This drama was one of the most powerful experiences I have had, in learning to bravely listen to the promptings of God. Hypothetically, one would think it might have been easier had He just spoken audibly to me, shown up to me, or otherwise made the instruction clear. But God is persuasive, gentle, meek, and patient. He did not force me to share the secret, but the prompting was persistent over time, not like a drug addiction, but a knowing that this step was required to fall back and trust in Him more.
2. Like it or not, I was part of a secret combination. There were three important parts to this combination. They will serve as red flags to me for the rest of my life.
- There was secret information, considered sacred, that I was committed to never break from, disobey, or malign. In some ways, out of human decency, I continue to keep their secret private.
- The consequence of revealing the information out of the combination meant a literal "death" of the relationship. Only those deemed worthy were permitted to participate in the combination.
- It required trusting the flesh, verbal commitments, and expression of spiritual confidence via "yay" or "nay".
Regardless of whether or not what was placed on my heart was from God, like I felt, or from the devil, like the women felt, I learned without a doubt, how to identify a secret combination. They are painful. They are innocent, at least to the ignorant. They are prideful. They are "special". And they are rampant, as it is an innate need for us to feel as though we "belong". Adlerian psychology suggests it is a primal need to belong, one of our core needs.
Secret combinations are not limited to gangs, as we suppose in Sunday School class. They are not only accessible to the urban populations. They are not left to the evil, hateful disposition of people. These women were Mormon, spiritual, talented, kind, and generous. And because I shared a piece of information with another human, they (or I did, as they claim) obliterated our relationship, not by force, but by choice. My choice? I would have retained the relationships. Their choice? They exterminated it. I am beyond grateful for the experience. I wish to not be aligned with secret, holy or unholy combinations. The experience has allowed me to use this as a red flag to avoid future experiences with darkness claiming to be light. It was extremely painful, which acted as another red flag.
And perhaps, should I err in my judgment, I trust God will continue to work with me as I repent of it.
With love,
~Jen
p.s. - After composing this piece several days ago, and leaving it in draft form, I was asked to share it today. I trust someone needs it, and hope, again, that it blesses the reader. I ask God to bless those involved, and hold no ill will towards any of the individuals discussed.
