Beware of Sacred Secret Combinations

This post has been a long time coming.  I have tried several times to share this story for someone's benefit.  In my mind, I have already published it those several times, but after searching more than once, I can't find any post where I discuss this experience.  So with hope in mind that this may help someone, I share it.  I hope it will further blessings, not cursings, and quite possibly help someone avoid the pain that has accompanied the lesson.  It ran deep.  

A friend taught me a long time ago to hold revelation loosely.  He said it's important when you receive revelation, to hold it loosely enough that if more revelation were to come, it would not unsettle me because I allowed room for more gaps to be filled in, for more knowledge to be gained, and more wisdom to be inherited.  To hold a revelation rigidly would not allow for greater light and knowledge to be gained, perhaps causing me to rigidly reject the new information, labeling it not of God.  With that in mind, I sought increased personal revelation from God Almighty.

During the time I was working closely with this male friend, seeking to learn the things of God.  I felt he knew more than I did, so I trusted much of what he taught me.  He later told me he really didn't know anything.  Despite his repentance from his pride of believing he knew anything worth sharing, I still believe much of what he taught me contained a great deal of truth.  It has withstood at very least, several years of time and careful evaluation and life experience.  He was endowed with wisdom on this point of holding revelation loosely.

About the same time I worked with him, I was friends with several individuals.  They were seeking the things of God, as I was.  One of the women had already learned amazing things, and I wanted to learn them too!  These were things related to talents and skills I knew I held in myself, but didn't understand or know how to translate into everyday use.  Looking back, it wasn't that this knowledge was impossible to learn, it was just that she had been down the path of finding it for a longer period of time than I had.  For clarity in this post, I will call her the 'Revelator', as she claimed to receive information from angels and Jesus to pass along to the rest of us.  I was so excited to know her!  To learn from her!  To work with her!  So cool!

Another female was seeking knowledge from the first - I'll call her the 'Elder', as she had wonderful skills and God-given blessings that appeared just as special as being able to receive clear revelation.  Her experience seemed wise, compared to my inexperience.  She was the one who had introduced me to the Revelator to begin with.  And I was so excited to know her too!  To be her friend was a gift I sincerely cherished, because I felt we were such kindred spirits.  I absolutely loved her with all my heart, quite possibly more than any friend I'd had in a long time.  I trusted her extensively.

The third woman was a supporting friend who likewise associated with the other two.  She appeared to hold so much charity that one could not help but love her.  I'll call her the 'Charity'. At least it appeared to be charity.  She was so very, very sweet, and lent the impression that she was on a constant spiritual high.

And then there was me.  I was several years younger than all of them.  And I was poor and unkempt under the surface.  Despite my inexperience in motherhood and life, I was chipper and happy and eager to be their friend.

In time I considered myself very close friends with the three, joining them on the path towards God.  And as I learned from them, it had been made clear to me, that certain things they shared with me were so special, so "sacred" that I ought never share outside the confidence of the group.  It was quite like something kids might say on the playground or at a sleepover.  "You're my bestest, bestest friend, so I'm going to share this private private information with you.  PLEASE don't tell ANYONE what I'm going to tell you, ok?"  Sure!  I won't tell anyone, even though I have no idea what you're going to divulge.  Tell me everything.  As a person of integrity, I had no need or desire to break the trust they placed upon me.  

One day, things changed when I received a strong inclination to tell one of their revelations with my husband.  In truth, who doesn't want to share intimate secrets with their spouse?  The natural disposition of humans is to divulge secrets.  And if one loves their spouse, would they not also want them to receive the special revelations of God, to progress along the path towards Him and know the things of Him?  Is that not only natural, but Christlike love?  To want everyone to be special, special, special and learn this understanding of sacred things?

But wait.  To share their revelations - which I all but promised and nearly-but-didn't-completely swear up and down not to – would be breaking trust with them.  It would not only turn me into a gossip, but completely and clearly untrustable.  Is that really you prompting me, God?  Is this a test?  Don't you want me to keep your revelations sacred?  Is my husband worthy of such things?  Would he reject the revelation, and by doing so, have his progression damned because he rejected information from God, despite it not being his own?

I asked this question for days, weeks, and what felt like forever.  I pushed off the prompting.  No way would I share their secret.  NO way.  I was a woman of integrity, and I can keep confidences.  But the feeling persisted.  Was this the devil, pressuring me?

Such confusion!  Ugh!  

One day, I even talked to the Revelator about it.  I didn't tell her specifically what I had been feeling, but just that I had been feeling led to do something that seemed or felt very contrary to anything I'd ever experienced.  She confirmed that I'd need to follow my heart, which ironically was confirming that I needed to share this secret.

What a betrayal!  What a friend I wasn't!  How could I do that???  Ugh!!!

Trusting in the mercy of God, I proceeded one evening to share her secret with my husband.  My hands shook.  I was petrified!  We were sitting in a restaurant on a date, and I could have sworn the whole room was listening, even the walls.  Angels taking note, good or bad.

My husband's response?  He thought the revelation was nothing he cared to even discuss or hear more of, and left it at that.  Next conversation, Jen.  Eat your food.

Little did I know that Charity was also receiving such promptings, but rather than follow them, she asked permission to share from the Revelator and the Elder.  They adamantly and with much vehemence, declined her request, then strengthened the need and requirement for their secret to be kept among all of us by calling me to assert the requirement.  When the Elder shared this information with me, I felt extreme guilt, and the next day apologized to her, admitting that I had already done such sharing.  I called the Revelator and confessed likewise.  She took in my apology, processed it, and a week or so later spent 45 minutes on the phone, yelling, deriding, chastising me, and furious that I was only acting on my own guilt, weakness, and need to feel accepted by my husband. Her confident belief was that I shared her secret to satisfy my own personal needs, and it had nothing to do with God's will.  She was absolutely certain.  And I believed her.

I cried, I petitioned God for forgiveness, I cried and apologized for hours to my friend, the Elder.  I mourned, literally sobbing at times.  I could not feel any lower.  After a few days I begged her to help me reconcile with the Revelator.  After defending myself, asserting that I felt it was God's will for me to share, she was shocked at my audacity.  I simply did not understand, she felt, the absolute PAIN I had caused, and I was not repentant enough to merit continuing the friendship.  I needed to repent more for what I had done.  This was all done via a very lengthy email, which included a rejection of our friendship as well.  In her words, I was virtually cast out of the Garden of Eden.

So confused, so heartbroken, so depressed, I cried AGAIN for days, asking God for forgiveness.  Where had I gone wrong?  Had I transgressed His commands, His requirements for keeping sacred things private?  But my husband was not the devil, nor was he someone who would spread such things.  Oh, what a mess!  Such remorse, such regret.

In talking to my male friend, who taught me to hold revelations loosely, he simply told me he didn't think I was wrong to share.  He believed I had simply followed God's promptings.  Simple.  Nothing to be mourn about.  And if I had greatly sinned, he did not feel it warranted great repentance and sackcloth and ashes.  It was an honest attempt at listening.

Could it be true?  Was it possible that a lowly soul like me, who isn't a revelator, not particularly wise, and not exactly charitable, could receive a revelation which was contrary to women with such clear bestowals of heavenly power and wisdom?  Could it be possible that I was right in obeying the command placed upon my heart?

In sincere truth, whether I'm right or wrong, I know with my heart I did the absolute BEST I could do, with the information I had been given.  It's been years since this took place and I feel no pedestal-like respect for any of them, yet no animosity either.  Knowing I'm not a gossip, I know it could not possibly be my nature to want to spread people's personal information around just for the sake of sharing.  I only knew how to follow my heart.  From this I learned that the primary way I receive revelation is through the heart.  And I don't know, but I strongly trust that I was doing what God asked me to do, whether or not these three witnesses of sorts believe that to be false or true.

If I take a moment to imagine that I was wrong, there are myriad of scriptures to suggest that God appreciates our repentance, and will gather us as a hen gathers his chicks.  He does not delight in casting people out of his garden, and to cast one away is a monumental, earth shattering event.  This was not an earth shattering transgression in God's eyes, and He did not remove His influence from my life.  If anything I learned to trust God more completely, relying less and less on the arm of the flesh.  All good things.

This experience prompted the early posts on this blog, about forgiveness, and relying on the mercy of Jesus for healing.  Indeed, this experience initiated A Major Shift in my life, one I am still working on daily.

God continues to remind me of this experience from time to time.  Two main lessons stick out.

1.  This drama was one of the most powerful experiences I have had, in learning to bravely listen to the promptings of God.  Hypothetically, one would think it might have been easier had He just spoken audibly to me, shown up to me, or otherwise made the instruction clear.  But God is persuasive, gentle, meek, and patient.  He did not force me to share the secret, but the prompting was persistent over time, not like a drug addiction, but a knowing that this step was required to fall back and trust in Him more.

2. Like it or not, I was part of a secret combination.  There were three important parts to this combination.  They will serve as red flags to me for the rest of my life.  

• There was secret information, considered sacred, that I was committed to never break from, disobey, or malign. In some ways, out of human decency, I continue to keep their secret private.  
• The consequence of revealing the information out of the combination meant a literal "death" of the relationship.  Only those deemed worthy were permitted to participate in the combination. 
•  It required trusting the flesh, verbal commitments, and expression of spiritual confidence via "yay" or "nay".

Regardless of whether or not what was placed on my heart was from God, like I felt, or from the devil, like the women felt, I learned without a doubt, how to identify a secret combination.  They are painful.  They are innocent, at least to the ignorant.  They are prideful.  They are "special".  And they are rampant, as it is an innate need for us to feel as though we "belong".  Adlerian psychology suggests it is a primal need to belong, one of our core needs.

Secret combinations are not limited to gangs, as we suppose in Sunday School class.  They are not only accessible to the urban populations.  They are not left to the evil, hateful disposition of people.  These women were Mormon, spiritual, talented, kind, and generous.  And because I shared a piece of information with another human, they (or I did, as they claim) obliterated our relationship, not by force, but by choice.  My choice?  I would have retained the relationships.  Their choice?  They exterminated it.  I am beyond grateful for the experience.  I wish to not be aligned with secret, holy or unholy combinations.  The experience has allowed me to use this as a red flag to avoid future experiences with darkness claiming to be light.  It was extremely painful, which acted as another red flag.

And perhaps, should I err in my judgment, I trust God will continue to work with me as I repent of it.

With love,
~Jen

p.s. - After composing this piece several days ago, and leaving it in draft form, I was asked to share it today.  I trust someone needs it, and hope, again, that it blesses the reader.  I ask God to bless those involved, and hold no ill will towards any of the individuals discussed. 

The Unknown Land of Secret Combinations

Hot on my mind lately has been the nature of secret combinations.  When I started this blog several years ago, it was a direct result of having been burned by being a part of one.  I didn't realize it at the time what was going on, but after studying the scriptures my eyes had been opened to what had taken place.  I failed at keeping the secrets of the group, and therefore was expedited OUT of it.  Recently again, I experienced the burns of a secret combination, only this time I was on the outside, watching how they work towards outsiders.

It is regrettable to me that more time is not spent in discussion on this topic in Church.  I have spent quite a bit of time in Primary, so I really can't lament that it's not covered at all (since I wasn't in Sunday School anyway), but rarely is it a hot topic for discussion.  Yet ironically I feel it is one of the biggest downfalls of the Book of Mormon people, and Mormon even comments that it brought down the whole Nephite civilization.  I don't believe much time has been spent on consideration of how we might see secret combinations in our day, except perhaps in the periodic lessons on the parts of the Book of Mormon preceding Christ's coming.  I suppose the topic may get 20 minutes of thought every 4 years or so.  If that.  

Helaman 7 begins the prophecy of Nephi, son of Helaman, who expounds all manner of the wickedness of the people who preceded the coming of the Lord.  Nephi was a phenomenal example of how to know the Lord, for he was given to preach and call repentance, as well as hear the voice of the Lord directly.  He is given power to seal on earth and in heaven, as well as move mountains.  

Prior to Nephi-son-of-Helaman hearing the Lord speak power unto him, Nephi was contemplating the nature of sin that engulfed the Nephites, such that the chief judge's brother had murdered said chief judge.  

"And it came to pass as he was thus pondering – being much cast down because of the wickedness of the people of the Nephites, their secret works of darkness, and their murderings, and their plunderings, and all manner of iniquities – and it came to pass as he was thus pondering in his heart, behold, a voice came unto him..." - Helaman 10:3

Worth noting is Nephi's observation of their

• secret works of darkness
• murderings
• plunderings
• all manner of iniquities

We can likely understand what the last three works are.  But what of the first?  Are secret works of darkness only those things which are done in whore houses?  Or are these only applicable to places where secret, dark oaths are made regarding murder?  Like gangs?

This is something I can imagine which caused Nephi some confusion, as to how such a delightsome people could turn to secret works of darkness.

I don't know how to stress how disillusioned we are to think that we do not have such things among the best of us.  I have come to know for myself that we are riddled with secret works of darkness, and even foster such things.  How?

Consider the tight knit group of girls at church, be it in Young Women's or Relief Society.  Where are their loyalties?  To one another, or to you as someone that one of them visit teaches, or serves in any capacity?

How about the Bishop and his counselors?  Do they have loyalty to you, as someone perhaps confiding in their abilities to provide counsel?  (Am I stretching this too far?)  Do these men share your confidences with one another, to try to lift you up in prayer?  Do these counselors then take the burden home, sharing with their wife, who then shares with her tight knit group of friends in a private Facebook group?  Possible?  I know I have heard stories from bishop's wives who assert that their husband spent so much time on their knees in silent prayer on behalf of their ward family.  This is phenomenal, and beautiful.  But I can't imagine that all bishops are this strict with confidences.  Maybe so?  Perhaps it is a spiritual gift which comes with the mantle.

If not, this has great potential to become a secret combination.  Call me crazy, but it bears great capacity to be true.  Perhaps there is no intent to do murder, but there is great potential for a confidence to be broken, whether implicit or implied.  It is right to note that we ought not trust any man but God, so perhaps the consequence of private information being leaked is par for the course.  But in truth, "secret" information has been shared in "secret counsels" and has been provided to spouses under the commitment (oath) of secrecy, that one ought not share.  We foster this simply in the structure of our private meetings and presidencies.

Perhaps this is what God intended.  But perhaps not.  I submit that there is a great potential for evil among us in these "tight knit groups", and we ignore the warning of the Book of Mormon by never, ever ever ever ever talking about secret combinations in Church.  These opportunities for secret combinations, secret trusts, secret oaths, and loyalties being severely broken causing hearts to burn in sheer pain of the disloyalty are rampant.  We foster these kinds of environments.  And we are all likely unknowingly guilty or participating on various ends of the situation, without even thinking twice.

Think I jest?  Or exaggerate?  Ask yourself, how many private meetings have you been in where secret confidences were shared with you or another soul?  Was permission granted for these things to be shared?  And what should happen if the private information was shared, without permission?  Would relationships be severed?  Could forgiveness be easily granted?

"Blessed art thou, Nephi, for those things which thou hast done; for I have beheld how thou hast with unwearyingness declared the word, which I have given unto thee, unto this people.  And thou hast not feared them, and hast not sought thine own life, but hast sought my will, and to keep my commandments." -Helaman 10:4 

Let us rid ourselves of secret works of darkness.  The need for cliques which cause those watching to feel excluded, secret groups where we gossip about others, or places where people can "only trust one another" and "have one another's back" ought to be reconsidered.  I understand the need for some privacy, and I'm not saying that from time to time we all need a close friend or three to help sort things out.  (Hello, Jesus?  Can you help me out?)  I would consider such friendships a gift.  But to have secret groups, book clubs, BFFs, etc. at the outright exclusion of others looking on who would enjoy participating in such a group only serves to destroy the unity of the whole.  Why would an onlooker bother attempting to foster a relationship with someone who is known to be a part of such a thing?  Could they trust that anything spoken in their company would not be shared and chewed on by the private group?  It is not Zion, and Zion cannot be achieved when such things abound.  For the hearts are not pure when others are deemed "less" than those in the group, and pride rules the day.  Seek to root these things out.  

A Warning of Secret Combinations

Have you ever wanted to get closer to God?  Have you ever found someone who says they have found God, and if you listen to them, or mentor with them, or pay them money, you can become more enlightened?

Have you ever found friends who spoke quietly about God, and told you that the things they have shared really need to be kept secret?  For privacy's sake, because it was so holy?  But because you are so special, so trusted, that they can share their secret with you in confidence?  

Have you ever found a group of friends, who spoke privately about God, and joined up together to talk privately about God, to the exclusion of inviting others?  

Have you ever made an agreement with a group of friends, such as a head nod in understanding, or a verbal, "No, I won't tell," or even an "No, I promise I won't tell," that you would not disclose the private information to anyone outside of the circle?  Not just because it was private and personal, but because it was "sacred"?  Maybe you wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings for not inviting them, or you wouldn't want their company in the first place?  

Ether 4:11-14:

But he that believeth these things which I have spoken, him will I visit with the manifestations of my Spirit, and he shall know and bear record.  For because of my Spirit he shall know that these things are true; for it persuadeth men to do good.

And whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do good is of me; for good cometh of none save it be of me.  I am the same that leadeth men to all good; he that will not believe my words will not believe me – that I am; and he that will not believe me will not believe the Father who sent me.  For behold, I am the Father, I am the light, and the life, and the truth of the world.  

Come unto me, O ye Gentiles, and I will show unto you the greater things, the knowledge which is hid up because of unbelief.  

Come unto me, O ye house of Israel, and it shall be made manifest unto you how great things the Father hath laid up for you, from the foundation of the world; and it hath not come unto you, because of unbelief. 

Christ lays the invitation to us to come directly to Him.  No intermediary.  No mentor, paid guru, or enlightened master.  The invitation is free, unrestrained or unrestricted.  He asks us to lay aside our unbelief, and HE will show us line upon line, until we find Him.  HE will be our teacher, that we may learn the knowledge which has been hidden because of unbelief.

Perhaps He will give us help along the way by means of people.  But they will not need share information in secret, nor exclusively at the exclusion of others.

One reason I am outside the bounds of being a "worthy recommend holder" is that I will not ascribe to an oath-like indication for sustaining the leaders of the Church.  Oaths made to any man are suspect, and potentially dangerous.  It is fascinating how easy it is to build and participate in a secret combination.  I have seen them among the Mormons.  I have seen them among my friends, among sisters I visit taught, and among sisters that visit teach me.  I have been a part of some unknowingly, and being kicked out and excluded was ugly.  I see those I care about being invited in to some, and observe their sudden quietness, secrecy, and inability to discuss anything going on in their lives.

When Moses went up to the mount to talk with the Lord, he invited others to come too.  He did not exclude them.

Christ's invitation is OPEN.  It is not CLOSED.  It is not private.  It does not need time to ponder over one's worthiness.  It does not need the approval of a group of other enlightened masters.  Christ invited not only the Jews, but also the Gentiles to come to Him.  That encompasses the whole world.  In fact, he invited the Gentiles first in the verses above.  

If you believe you need to be in the right "circle", the right "club", the right "church", or even to follow the right "prophet" or "apostle", "pastor" or "teacher", rather than going DIRECTLY to the Lord Jesus Christ, I propose and suspect you might have missed the boat.  I only speak it from my own experience.  Belonging to such things is encouraged and promoted in our culture.  It feels good to be included and revered.  However if you are in such a group which intentionally excludes others, consider the possibility that you might be involved in a "secret" combination.  And likewise if you risk expulsion from such a group by talking about it openly with those outside the group, you're likely in one too.

I share this not to judge anyone, but simply realized this is a predominant theme of the Book of Mormon, which no one ever discusses the dangers of.  I was in one and not even realize it.

Christ wants us to come direct, uninvolved and unentangled with oaths of secrecy.

A city on a hill cannot be hid.  It will be powerful because of the Light, Life, and Truth which it contains.

Works of darkness will be destroyed when the light shines on them.  Come to Him, please, I beg.

With love, in Jesus' name.
~Jen    

Miracles at Nephi's Garden Tower

This is a post that no matter how many times I start it, I never seem to get past the first paragraph.  Hopefully some sense can be made of the thoughts I hope to share.

The events surrounding this post revolve upon the words Nephi (son of Helaman) speaks while praying upon his garden tower.

(photo source)

(Photo note - I got that pic from a blogger who wrote up a great post on story of what happened to Nephi.  If you need a refresher, click here. {Not sure where he got the pic though, sorry.}) 

There are a few main points that I've observed from my reading this week, which has been in the book of Helaman, in the Book of Mormon.  Each one could deserve its own post, but I highlight them here to present ideas, and if you feel so inclined, you can delve into them, or share your own thoughts.  (I always welcome guest posts.:)

1st observation.  This is where "secret combinations" officially enter into Nephite society.  They may have entered sooner, but this is the first place where names of participants are addressed.  Previous to this, we learn from Alma that he is aware of them, but he is not to record details, lest the information get into hands it shouldn't, and the information be implemented.  Lo and behold, here in Helaman, we find that it comes to fruition.  A few thoughts about secret combinations:

• Oaths between man and God are sacred.  
• Oaths between man and man are to be made with great caution, if made at all.  Add a condition of "secrecy", and there is serious potential for danger, no matter how well intentioned the participants may be.
• Those involved in oaths between two or more mortals will lie to defend their secrets, or try to deflect the question onto those revealing their secret.  There is a clear position of defensiveness.  In the case of Nephi, praying on the tower, the crowds came, and he boldly and openly shared details of the people's secret works of darkness. (Helaman 8:4)  (Consider what made them "dark"?)  Rather than internalizing the words of this bold prophet, those involved tried to rally the people, accusing Nephi of reviling their laws and judges.  They went so far as to bind, imprison, and try him before the judges, because he revealed their secret oaths.  

Beware of secrets, and secret combinations.  Additionally, I have learned to beware when someone wants me to keep their secrets.  If someone claims their secrets are too sacred for you to share with another soul, then they shouldn't be sharing with you in the first place. 

[The same applies for your own sacred experiences.  If you need to swear someone to secrecy, you shouldn't be sharing, because you're involving them in a secret oath, and I would boldly consider that unrighteous dominion. (D&C 121:37-39)  Those involved in such things must repent, and do it quickly.]

2nd observation.  Nephi is given serious, serious power.  It is not common to see such power bestowed upon a man in the scriptures.  Power is given, but rarely do we see such details.  Why?

• Nephi declared the word of God with unwearyingness.  What does that mean?  And it wasn't just whatever he felt like preaching.  He declared the words the Lord gave to him to give to the people. (Helaman 10: 4)
• Nephi didn't fear the people, and he didn't seek to save his own life.  He was willing to do whatever it took to do what God needed done.
• He sought the Lord's will.  (Do you think it came clearly to him?  Was it ever unclear?  Did it take patience in seeking?)
• He kept the commandments of God.  It's likely that he kept them with as much exactness as possible.
• A point not added in these verses, but that I feel is important: Nephi didn't do all this to exalt himself, to gain power, or praise of men.  He didn't seek to be popular.  He was simply doing his best to lead his fellow man to Christ, and I believe he was full of charity. 

Because of all this, comes my 3rd observation, which is a description of that power received.

• He was blessed forever.
• He was made mighty in word.
• He was made mighty in deed.
• He was made mighty in faith.
• He was made mighty in works.
• He was made mighty, so that all things he declared would come to pass.  

Why?  Because he would not ask for anything contrary to God's will.  The Lord then goes to explain the extent to what power Nephi has, in great detail.  We even learn that he is "conveyed" in the Spirit, out of harm's way (Helaman 10:16).  Can you imagine that?  It is truly fascinating.  Amazing.  And this is all bestowed upon a mortal man.  (Or at this point, was he?:)  Wow.

~Jen:)