I was sitting in the ICU with Micah, considering upon the fact that it was the one year anniversary of CZ's death this exact day. Knowing anything could happen, life is risk, and each day is a walk in the unknown.
Those first couple of days I found that I just could not pray for Micah. Every attempt felt wrong, forced, too desperate and pleading. Finally, I think on the 17th, Micah asked me to put my hands on him and pray. I knew I needed to clear myself before I could do so. As I said my own silent prayer, things became clear. I knew I needed to let my selfish desires for Micah go and just allow him to be and exist freely in the place God has for him and in the place he chooses for himself. I also realized I needed to let go of the fear of losing Micah, or the what ifs..... I felt so good as I let those things go. Literally trusting God even in the possibility of death of my husband. Arms wide. Falling into trust.
It was funny, Leslie, when writing this. I kept feeling like I wanted to share something, anything, but nothing would come but this. When I realized what ya'll were going through it seemed appropriate. I had no idea that that day was the anniversary of CZ's passing either, so it seems all the more proper that this was all that came. It has taken me forever to comment because even still, the date and even the message seems sacred in its own right. <3
Amen Sister! That's exactly what I am doing
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DeleteOh Jen....wise words! From His mouth to my ears. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteSo welcome! <3
DeleteI was sitting in the ICU with Micah, considering upon the fact that it was the one year anniversary of CZ's death this exact day. Knowing anything could happen, life is risk, and each day is a walk in the unknown.
ReplyDeleteThose first couple of days I found that I just could not pray for Micah. Every attempt felt wrong, forced, too desperate and pleading. Finally, I think on the 17th, Micah asked me to put my hands on him and pray. I knew I needed to clear myself before I could do so. As I said my own silent prayer, things became clear. I knew I needed to let my selfish desires for Micah go and just allow him to be and exist freely in the place God has for him and in the place he chooses for himself. I also realized I needed to let go of the fear of losing Micah, or the what ifs..... I felt so good as I let those things go. Literally trusting God even in the possibility of death of my husband. Arms wide. Falling into trust.
It was funny, Leslie, when writing this. I kept feeling like I wanted to share something, anything, but nothing would come but this. When I realized what ya'll were going through it seemed appropriate. I had no idea that that day was the anniversary of CZ's passing either, so it seems all the more proper that this was all that came. It has taken me forever to comment because even still, the date and even the message seems sacred in its own right. <3
Delete💗
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