Casting Out, Removing Fear, Reclaiming the Space

A few weeks ago I posted my thoughts on the recent policy change regarding children of a gay parent.  I deleted the post, due to my own free will and choice.  After doing so, I received quite a lengthy message from a sister in my ward, who felt it her responsibility to call me to repentance.  Understanding that she will likely be monitoring this page, I am using this post to dispel all fear that she sought to attach to me, whether consciously or unconsciously.  Sometimes people do that.  They think they are acting in love, when their sole intent is to cause you to live in the same fearful space that they are living in.  I cast that out.

I also cast out the spirit of condemnation, the spirit of judgment, the spirit of mockery, and the spirit of piousness.  I replace them with a spirit of acceptance, a spirit of mediation and intercession, a spirit of humility, and a spirit of love.  I cast the negative spirit entities to hell where they belong, or to a place of light where they may be taught.  As in all things, they get to choose where they dwell.  I invite the Holy Spirit of God to replace them on all counts.

This Facebook message is being shared not to drudge up memories or live in the past, but rather to declare that I stand firm with the Lord.  If the nobles at any earthly organization feel that I do not fit in with their standards, that is their choice.  I seek to be part of the Church of the Firstborn.  You should know that the Lord has warned that all earthly organizations will fall preceding His second coming.  If you suppose that one in which you belong is exempt, you don't believe the scriptures.

Posted November 9th, 2015, 10:41 pm:

I wish to apologize for my most recent post which some of you may have read. While I understood the contents of what I posted, I realize that my experience with Mormonism is much different than those who had read it, and my words interpreted as something completely separate than I intended.

I have no intention of leaving the Church, despite what was read, and despite my sheer difficultly in coming to terms with the change in the baptism policy. It is severely tempting, however I am using all the prayer and willpower to stick through looking at the faces of those who so clearly disagree with me, and approach me with intent to prove me wrong on a frequent basis. I would appreciate no one taking initiative to invite me to leave the church as I received today, as it is not only unwelcoming, but quite frankly, UNloving, un-Christlike, and pure evil. If you see stories of folks online suggesting that "Why don't you just leave if you disagree," you ought to take care with your words. We spend millions of tithe dollars to share the message we believe to be true, to bring people to Christ. Let's not be so hasty to shove people out the door because they have a different understanding of the gospel. Joseph Smith called that as being "trammeled". Google it and you'll find a great quote.

No one knows my story but me. I have been born of incredible parents who raised me faithfully in this religion. I attended 12 years of Primary, full attendance through the Youth program, 4 years of seminary, and 5 years of college religion courses at BYU, the church school. I served a mission, which was where I had a stark awakening to the church in the world of rural Pennsylvania where Mormons are less than 1/100% and a testimony meant more than social norms, vs the Church structure and operations in Utah where numbers and rules are everything, down to the way that you comb your hair or wash the mission car. No one knows my experiences, so please don't dare to tell me what you can only assume. You have no idea.

After my mission experience I married in the Washington DC temple. I quickly had children, as church leaders in UT encouraged all righteous members to do, and walked a road of faithful activity in this church ever since. In all I have had 37 years of faithful attendance, never being inactive, and magnifying my callings. For years I could even claim 100% visiting teaching. I do not say this to puff up my Molly Mormonism, but to indicate that you cannot get more "true blue, through and through" than I am.

Several years ago I experienced a vision of sorts, which caused great awakening in my life, and it caused me to seek understanding of what I saw. The current teaching of the church curriculum are limited to around 27 topics, and the topic of visions and dreams are not high on the list next to sharing the gospel or temple work. So I had to figure things out through much prayer, by digging into the scriptures, searching the words of early visionaries like Joseph Smith, Parley P Pratt, and Olivery Cowdery. My bookshelf is full of books of stories of early saints' experiences with the other side of the veil. No one wanted to talk to me about things, as they typically preferred talking about sports or the Walking Dead, so I devoured the scriptures and sought discussion with anyone who would listen, which was virtually no one, as the current understanding is that these things ought not be shared; they are too sacred.

In studying these things I learned fascinating things about our early church that I personally feel are important, yet we have changed such that very few understand or share my same beliefs. Most members do not have copies of the Joseph Smith papers or revelations and manuscripts on their shelves. Most people do not have a copy of the History of the Church, the Lectures on Faith, or other useful pieces at their fingertips. Please forgive me for forgetting that most have not dug through these things with the same reckless abandon in which I have. I should not have dared share my assessments with you, who really have no desire to even see a need for such studying. We are both free to focus on what we wish.

In closing, I ask one thing. Please do not think it appropriate of yourself to contact me to call me to repentance. If you believe that is your role, you are sorely in gross misunderstanding of the scriptures. If you cannot discuss church doctrine, history, or scripture you have no leg to stand on to insinuate that because my dogma varies from yours that it is incorrect. Do not attempt to insult my studies, my diligent prayer, or God's opening up of the mysteries of scripture to me because you can't be bothered to take time out of YOUR interests to do so. Do not insult me to call my exploration a frivolous hobby, a trite expression, or apostasy. Do not send me texts, gossip about me or my beliefs, or any other unChristlike thing. You are better than that. I believe Joseph Smith was and is a prophet, and I believe his words are unbelievably important, and unbelievably neglected. Despite my fervent belief in Joseph Smith's work, I recognize that he cannot save us, and that ONLY Jesus Christ, the Son of God, can do that, and HE is the righteous mediator between us and the Father, who is the righteous judge, and only one worthy to act in that role. It is through Christ's grace ALONE that we are saved. We are ants compared to His greatness. I am so sincerely sorry for thinking it my place to share my beliefs about the state of our church among those who have no idea of the ideas I have learned through my exploration, especially on Facebook.

With love,
~Jen

Pride and a Chocolate Pool

Hard hearted

A few days ago I broke my Facebook hiatus.  I had someone sign up for my business services, and part of my service for them includes adding them to a private Facebook group.  So I broke my hiatus in order to add them to the group, and in the process, felt good about sticking around for awhile.  

In doing so, I noticed that the same things that led me to get off of Facebook were still there.  Here are about 15 of favorite and least favorite.  

1. The folks who believe they have to be witty and creative in their posts, still are.  As if they are an artist or poet on display, trying to entertain their "reader" friends with something reminiscent of Animaniacs.  It rarely makes sense and is completely self-absorbed.    
2. Some still complain about their ex-boyfriends, or "smh-ing" every post.  It took me a long time to realize what "smh" meant.  I used to think it was an expression of the mouth, made in exasperation.  Then I realized it meant "shaking my head".  Either way, it verbalizes their expression of public shaming towards someone who obviously isn't reading the post.
3. We need to pray that dominoes don't fall so that the world won't fall apart in September, due to economic, political, and physical continental collapse.  We need to pray, pray, pray, just to make it today, 'as why we pray... (pray!) pray... (praaay!!!)  
4. The world is not going to end in September.  But then again, we are not to "follow" people who say this anyway, so getting hopped up in believing it will or won't end according to these "not prophets" is a good exercise in swimming with the tides.  And we're still all fools for not believing these "not prophets", whichever way they turn on any given day.  Did you know that "Fools!" is the Disney foul-word of choice when the villains are really angry at the protagonists?  {"Fools!  What are you doing?  I told you to follow Ariel to the palace!"}
5. The ward Facebook group continues to be a place for happy thoughts, only now men are permitted into the "Relief Society Gals" group.  Kind of an interesting timing, don't you think? 
6. Du+chs1nse still is right about his earthquake predictions, and will tell you (again) that of course he predicted this, and of course fracking is going to cause earthquakes of monumental proportions, and soon.  Stupid frackers.  And of course the government is trying to marginalize him, because he is doing such a fine job exposing their backroom deals.  
7. We still all matter.  All you black folk too.  And you Muslims, Buddhists, and Mormons.  And you Indians on the Rez.  
8. People are still arguing over Joseph Smith and what he did or didn't do with his genitals.  Let's not worry about what terrorists or human traffickers, or even loved ones addicted to porn are doing with theirs though. Because that might actually make a difference in the present world in which we live.   
9. Some are still facing religious excommunication.  And others are still flying under the radar.
10. Kitties and dog videos are still so cute.  
11. Ben Phillips is still pranking his friend, and his friend doesn't think it's funny.  He still has a mohawk, Just like Ryan Tedder.  Only Ryan Tedder's is cooler, imo. 
12. One of my friends has a new boyfriend.  And the picture of their tongues touching was really kinda disgusting.  Sorry if you're reading this.  But you shouldn't put that stuff on Facebook, ever. 
13. I had two friends I didn't wish a happy birthday. I hope they had happy birthdays!  
14. No comment. 
15. Pride among various groups is as strong as ever.       

Needless to say, I got back off about as quickly as I got on.  Maybe I'll be back, but I found I was just as addicted as I was before I got off in July, despite the ever-so-pleasant observations.  When I look at the time I spent with my kids, I don't regret it for a minute.  Did I miss anything of import?  Is it all just gossip?  Was my life improved?  Did my friendships develop any better with the people entrenched in it?  Most didn't really even realize I was gone.

It surprised me that the relationships that developed the most were with these people who chose to keep up outside of Facebook.  Texts, calls, and visits increased in quantity and quality.  And in returning to Facebook, even for a day, I observed that even the people I previously felt most drawn to were some of the least likely to have any personal communication with me.  The relationships I imagined were there, in all actuality, weren't.  And aren't.  Not that it's their fault or anything.  It takes two to tango, you know? 

In studying the frequency of the words "heart" and "hardness" in the Book of Mormon, I am convinced that Facebook is a place for the hardening of hearts.  It is a distraction, where people like me often forget that there are other people behind their monitors with real hearts and feelings.  There is little effort in self-censorship.  There is little true caring or buoying.  It's a 24-7 war of words, self promotion, and self flattery, even if we think we're putting good stuff out there.  Finding a fitting quote on pride was easy: 

"I think that the Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin, but the Bible also teaches that pride is a sin, jealousy is a sin, and hate is a sin, evil thoughts are a sin. So I don't think that homosexuality should be chosen as the overwhelming sin that we are doing today." - Billy Graham

I believe pride and self-promoting found on Facebook are a sign of our times, almost more so than homosexuality.  Take a break and look at how real your Facebook "relationships" are.  Compare it to how much time you spend on it, and divide it by 7. Times your answer by 43 and you'll get how many steps it takes to get to heaven.  Just kidding.

Doesn't this post sound hard hearted?  That's how I felt by the time I got off.


The Pool

We have a pool in the backyard.  I've taken pictures over the years we've had it.  Sometimes it's blue, like when we clean it out.

Sometimes it's green, which is quite frequently, because we can't seem to keep the ph balanced.

And then today, for the first time ever, after re-filling it this weekend, and my dad adding chemicals last night to shock it, it turned green again.  And then I looked a few hours later, and it looked like this.

Coffee!  Chocolate?  Never in my life have I seen a pool this brown.  Never.  I'm sure it's just a chemical reaction.  But worth sharing, for what it's worth.  It took me at least 10 hours to consider that it might be a sign or symbol of some sort.  It will take at least 10 times cleaning the filter before we have any hopes of it becoming clear.  Or we could just drain it and start over, again.

Enjoy!