A call again to increase in love

It seems I'm receiving messages, each night around 11:00.  I'm hesitant to share because I'm just now realizing what is going on.  If this doesn't resonate for you, that means it's not meant for you.  Kindly scroll along.  I'm not sharing this to make anyone happy, but only because I feel I am being asked to share, almost on a nightly basis.  So I'm going to post when asked to.  I don't care if you disagree, I only care that whoever needs this gets to hear it.  You get to decide if that's you.   

I observe that we are in the middle of an intense spiritual battle.  It comes in waves, more intense every week.  I observe this on Tuesdays, for the last several weeks.  Ask any sensitive, mystic, prophetic psychic type to look back over the last month.  How have Tuesdays been for them?  

It is often debilitating.  Sometimes (rarely though) it's joy, and sometimes it's an intenseness that they don't dare put into words for fear of retribution from the closed minded or spiritually asleep.  Sometimes it's a literal headache, feeling like there is so much energy at the head that they might explode.  Sometimes they can explain it scientifically by referring to Schumann Resonance or satellites showing interstellar data.  Sometimes there is no correlation.  But usually no one really cares about what they're feeling.  But that doesn't make it not true.   

The call again is to INCREASE in LOVE.  I was reminded of my dream in February, 2016, and asked to share the message again.  You, me, anyone who wishes to survive the coming days, must increase in love.  This is not your stereotypical love, mushy love, romantic love, or anything trite or religious.  This is not tolerance of evil, or acceptance of the status quo.  This is core-of-being love, that purges and heals darkness from within.  I don't know what else to say, beyond if you cannot feel love, beg for it.  The burning will get more intense as He comes closer, and love is the only remedy.  

Cogs and Ribbons

I'm dedicating this post to my dear friend, Leslie.  

Recently I was pondering why some people enjoy being called to repentance and others do not.  I believe the difference is a broken heart.

A hard heart is impenetrable.  Through years of hardening, it is incapable of being broken.  It is a force to be reckoned with, and nothing, not meekness, love, passion, integrity, anger or force will break it or penetrate it.  

A soft heart is breakable.  It can only be broken by permission.  CHOICE.  It too is a force to be reckoned with.  It thrives on being pricked, allowing the darkness and sin to escape out through experiences, and begs for cleansing and healing waters.  It receives fullness with meekness, love, passion, integrity, and joy.  And so much LOVE.

I was also pondering what it means to a soul to have experienced a broken heart, and contrite spirit.  

Whereas those who have not experienced a broken heart are impenetrable, those who have experienced a broken heart are easily broken, again and again.  And yet while they are broken, they long to be put back together again.  They long for their darkness to be poked out through their holes, whether it be God doing the poking or other humans.  When they find themselves offended, they are more willing to be put back together through forgiveness.  Hard hearts refuse to forgive.

When our hearts are broken and put back together, and we unite in community with others whose hearts are broken and put back together, we become like cogs in a wheel.  We make up one great whole, which operates the unit, although as a cog we may not even know that we are functioning as one, at least not yet.  Without our individual rivets and divots, we would not function together.  But with our unique shapes and forms, talents and blessings, put together we rotate as one – or ONE.  

And then there are what my friend Leslie calls "ribbons of love".  I believe when we will be sealed through the power of the Holy Spirit, it will be also done with literal ribbons of love.  Just as God spoke and the word "was" a literal thing, so is love a literal thing, although most of us cannot see it with our eyes.  These ribbons of love connect us, wrap around us, and the extend to others.  Some may call these ribbons by different names.  Energy workers call them "cords".  Christians may call them "workings of the Spirit".  We use different names but the principle is the same.  Invisible ties that "bind" or "seal" or form connections that are invisible yet present nonetheless.  

Zion will be formed by those who have received or experienced a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  And then our hearts will connected with these ribbons.  We will CHOOSE to be like cogs in a wheel, not forced to work together, but individual units who find pleasure and purpose in fitting together.  Whether it be our spouse, or others in this society, I see that Zion – the pure in heart – will connect like cogs in a wheel.  Freestanding on their own, but when connected they are very powerful indeed.  

With this new experience of broken hearts and contrite spirits, we have a responsibility to actively take our frustrations and discords out of our relationships.  Should we be frustrated with a fellow broken-hearted friends, I believe those who are truly broken will receive the disagreement with meekness and gratitude for the correction.  The Lord chastens those He loves, and sometimes He uses us mortals to help one another along these paths.  

I believe it is by this we may know whose spirits have been born again.  We will be able to receive correction, chastening, and calls to repentance with gladness, so long as the sins are legitimate and the correction is not intended to destroy, badger, or control.  And I believe by this we will recognize fellow members of the Lord's family because of the fruits of a contrite spirit and broken heart.

Pure Faith

Last year on this day I was enticed to spend a year focusing on love.  Pure love of Christ.  I know I haven't been perfect at it, but I feel like grace has been given to me, to rise and increase in the amount of love I have been able to give, receive, and nurture.  It's truly been a blessed year.

This morning when I asked where I should read, I was led to Ether 12:14-15:

Behold, it was the faith of Nephi and Lehi that wrought the change upon the Lamanites, that they were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost. 

Behold, it was the faith of Ammon and his brethren which wrought so great a miracle among the Lamanites.

The last few days have been tumultuous here.  Emotions have run high, and tension has nearly matched it.  I find it beautiful that the Lord led me to these verses first thing in my day.  My faith has been lacking.

I tend to believe that while the Lord has awakened me from a deep sleep, it is unlikely that He will awaken those I love.  I tend to forget that He is all wise, all merciful, all knowing.  He knows when people need to awaken.  He knows I also need to exert and grow in faith.  So while the past year I spent hyper-focused on LOVE, I hope that this coming year I can focus on FAITH and see if by my faith I might find those I love encounter baptism of fire and the Holy Ghost.  And perhaps even miracles like those witnessed among the Lamanites.

ROCK ON.  Let's bring down those walls, baby!

Enough Love

Last night I was given pure knowledge in a dream.  The insight had little to do with the context of the dream, and it's kind of funny that it was slipped in at the end, just before I awoke, so I could remember it and then forget the bulk of the dream.  But the revealing of understanding was important.

Understanding was given.  God is LOVE.  Not just mushy love but God is filled with the vibration of love, which is also joy.  But this came after the dream.

In the dream I was instructed that God is HOTTER than the sun.  He is BRIGHTER than the sun.  When Jesus the Christ returns to earth in glory, HE WILL BE HOTTER AND BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN.  Should the sun come down and touch the earth, it would be so hot that all things would burn as stubble.  We should also be inclined to "hide our faces from Him" as it were, because HE IS HOT.  This is because of His INFINITE amount of LOVE.  His frequency, His energy (heat), His joy is more intense than the sun.

This is why our bodies must be changed to withstand His presence, as well as why He needs to "cloak" or "conceal" Himself so that He can come to earth and show Himself to us.  We truly would not be able to withstand the heat of His presence, UNLESS we are transfigured with a limitless amount of LOVE as well.

This is why Moses was transfigured when he rose upon the mount, because otherwise he would have burned in YHWH's presence.  Not because YHWH wanted to cause any harm, but by nature He is that MUCH LOVE.

When people shirk at the idea of love, that it's not sufficient to cure the world, they have no idea that they are in the abyss of sin of hate, malice, unbelief, false tradition, and ire.  They will not be able to withstand Christ's presence not due to Christ's choices, but because of their UNWILLINGness to increase in LOVE.  Perhaps they are unwilling to forgive, and choose to hold on to old wounds.  Let Christ heal them.  BEG Him to.  Let Him cleanse you in love, and let go of your desire and need to be right on every thing.  When you are purified, you increase in love.  When you are sanctified, your love increases.  When you forgive, it increases again.

Not that which goeth into a man defileth him, but that which goeth out.  If when placed under pressure or stress you express anything but love, you are not pure yet.  Beg! Him to purify you, and do not delay or be fearful of the consequences.  Whatever hardship we endure by the begging will prove worthwhile in the lack of darkness, should we press forward.

Please understand that it is up to us to ask Him to help us be like Him.  Should we neglect any effort in coming to Him, we will not be able to withstand his presence when he returns, just as we would not be able to withstand the sun should it kiss the earth.  It would be the worst sunburn ever, and to receive relief you would wish you had a rock to crawl under.  But even the rocks shout His glory and you will not be able to hide.

Know the Lord NOW.  I'm no better than anyone else, and share because it was made known to me to share - with intense urgency.

As a beautiful reminder, when I walked out the door to take my son to the bus after receiving this message, the sky looked like a love sky.  Pink horizons all around, despite being not the same direction as the sun.

It was as though the earth were confirming the message.  It would withstand the heat because it too, is filled with LOVE.  It appeared to be glowing pink, if but for a few minutes as the sun arose.

Extras:
D&C 93:

1 Verily, thus saith the Lord: It shall come to pass that every soul who forsaketh his sins and cometh unto me, and calleth on my name, and obeyeth my voice, and keepeth my commandments, shall see my face and knowthat I am;

2 And that I am the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world;

3 And that I am in the Father, and the Father in me, and the Father and I are one—

4 The Father because he gave me of his fulness, and the Son because I was in the world and made flesh mytabernacle, and dwelt among the sons of men.

5 I was in the world and received of my Father, and theworks of him were plainly manifest.

6 And John saw and bore record of the fulness of myglory, and the fulness of John’s record is hereafter to be revealed.

(The morning sun, more full glory to be hereafter revealed. ;) 

7 And he bore record, saying: I saw his glory, that he was in the beginning, before the world was;

8 Therefore, in the beginning the Word was, for he was the Word, even the messenger of salvation—

9 The light and the Redeemer of the world; the Spirit of truth, who came into the world, because the world was made by him, and in him was the life of men and the light of men.

10 The worlds were made by him; men were made by him; all things were made by him, and through him, and of him.

11 And I, John, bear record that I beheld his glory, as the glory of the Only Begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth, even the Spirit of truth, which came and dwelt in the flesh, and dwelt among us.

12 And I, John, saw that he received not of the fulness at the first, but received grace for grace;

13 And he received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness;

14 And thus he was called the Son of God, because he received not of the fulness at the first.

15 And I, John, bear record, and lo, the heavens were opened, and the Holy Ghost descended upon him in the form of a dove, and sat upon him, and there came a voice out of heaven saying: This is my beloved Son.

16 And I, John, bear record that he received a fulness of the glory of the Father;

17 And he received all power, both in heaven and on earth, and the glory of the Father was with him, for he dwelt in him.

18 And it shall come to pass, that if you are faithful you shall receive the fulness of the record of John.

19 I give unto you these sayings that you may understand and know how to worship, and know what you worship, that you may come unto the Father in my name, and in due time receive of his fulness.

In due time receive of his fulness, while at present we may be in "winter". 

 20 For if you keep my commandments you shall receive of his fulness, and be glorified in me as I am in the Father; therefore, I say unto you, you shall receive grace for grace.

21 And now, verily I say unto you, I was in the beginningwith the Father, and am the Firstborn;

22 And all those who are begotten through me arepartakers of the glory of the same, and are the church of the Firstborn.

23 Ye were also in the beginning with the Father; that which is Spirit, even the Spirit of truth;

24 And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come;

25 And whatsoever is more or less than this is the spirit of that wicked one who was a liar from the beginning.

26 The Spirit of truth is of God. I am the Spirit of truth, and John bore record of me, saying: He received a fulness of truth, yea, even of all truth;

27 And no man receiveth a fulness unless he keepeth his commandments.

28 He that keepeth his commandments receiveth truthand light, until he is glorified in truth and knoweth all things.

29 Man was also in the beginning with God. Intelligence, or the light of truth, was not created or made, neither indeed can be.

30 All truth is independent in that sphere in which God has placed it, to act for itself, as all intelligence also; otherwise there is no existence.

31 Behold, here is the agency of man, and here is the condemnation of man; because that which was from the beginning is plainly manifest unto them, and they receive not the light.

32 And every man whose spirit receiveth not the light is under condemnation.

33 For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spiritand element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy;

34 And when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy.

35 The elements are the tabernacle of God; yea, man is the tabernacle of God, even temples; and whatsoever temple isdefiled, God shall destroy that temple.

36 The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words,light and truth.

(When light breaks forth as intelligence, it is as though the dark misunderstandings are made light, and the truth known.) 

37 Light and truth forsake that evil one.

38 Every spirit of man was innocent in the beginning; and God having redeemed man from the fall, men became again, in their infant state, innocent before God.

39 And that wicked one cometh and taketh away light and truth, through disobedience, from the children of men, and because of the tradition of their fathers.

40 But I have commanded you to bring up your childrenin light and truth.

41 But verily I say unto you, my servant Frederick G. Williams, you have continued under this condemnation;

42 You have not taught your children light and truth, according to the commandments; and that wicked one hath power, as yet, over you, and this is the cause of youraffliction.

43 And now a commandment I give unto you—if you will be delivered you shall set in order your own house, for there are many things that are not right in your house.

44 Verily, I say unto my servant Sidney Rigdon, that in some things he hath not kept the commandments concerning his children; therefore, first set in order thy house.

45 Verily, I say unto my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., or in other words, I will call you friends, for you are my friends, and ye shall have an inheritance with me—

46 I called you servants for the world’s sake, and ye are their servants for my sake—

47 And now, verily I say unto Joseph Smith, Jun.—You have not kept the commandments, and must needs standrebuked before the Lord;

48 Your family must needs repent and forsake some things, and give more earnest heed unto your sayings, or be removed out of their place.

49 What I say unto one I say unto all; pray always lest that wicked one have power in you, and remove you out of your place.

50 My servant Newel K. Whitney also, a bishop of my church, hath need to be chastened, and set in order his family, and see that they are more diligent and concerned at home, and pray always, or they shall be removed out of their place.

51 Now, I say unto you, my friends, let my servant Sidney Rigdon go on his journey, and make haste, and also proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the gospel of salvation, as I shall give him utterance; and by your prayer of faith with one consent I will uphold him.

52 And let my servants Joseph Smith, Jun., and Frederick G. Williams make haste also, and it shall be given them even according to the prayer of faith; and inasmuch as you keep my sayings you shall not be confounded in this world, nor in the world to come.

53 And, verily I say unto you, that it is my will that you should hasten to translate my scriptures, and to obtain aknowledge of history, and of countries, and of kingdoms, of laws of God and man, and all this for the salvation of Zion. Amen. 

I LOVE you

Today is a special day.

Yesterday I was searching Pinterest for some decorating ideas.  My two younger sons were tasked by my dad with painting an old bookshelf.  I ended up joining in to help spread the paint, and then took it further and worked on another bookshelf someone donated to me weeks ago.  They were painted pink.

I searched Pinterest to see if there were any creative bookshelf ideas, or ways I could spruce up this bookshelf, and came across this post by a gal named Toby Fairley.  The post really moved me greatly.  She chose a word to focus on for the year, which was a personality trait or characteristic she wanted to not lose sight of.  The word for her was DISCIPLINE.  This is one of my weakest areas.  Our family struggles with obesity, addiction, and in many ways, laziness.  So I'm always looking for ways to break free of these habits and traditions.

Toby's focus on a word for a year really struck me, so realizing that for me, today is an important day, I set my mind that I too would pick a word for the year to focus on.  It's not discipline (HA! -although she did inspire me) but has to do with lifelong intention, and that is LOVE.

Some of my deepest running weaknesses, when I stop to self-examine, are pride, envy, jealousy, hate, and anger.  Yesterday's post was a perfect example of pride on display.  Gossiping, criticizing, or open jealousy in the form of "venting" are easy for me.  This morning as I pondered what I wanted to make of this year, I asked God what I could do to change for the better.  What would help me better hear God speaking to me?  It is so easy to be confused in thinking that my way of hearing God's voice has to look or sound like someone else's, and I tend to believe their words, opinions, or warnings over what I feel God has told me.  I compare myself to them, and think that I am inferior, and covet their clarity or gifts.

I don't hear Jesus talking, or really know His voice like many say they do.
I don't have dreams which contain clear messages.
I don't have 100% moral clarity or confidence in understanding messages in the scriptures, nor to I believe that I am any authority worth really listening to.

With such lack of understanding of how God speaks to me, and such confusion, I asked God what I could focus on this year, to achieve more clarity, and truly understand His voice and how He speaks with me, individually.  The answer that came to mind that no part of me can shoot down with deductive reasoning is that LOVE is the one thing that I can't go wrong with.  And if I did go wrong with it, it would be more of someone else's weakness or insecurities getting in the way, not mine.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. -Moroni 7:46-47 

So beginning this day, demonstrating LOVE in whatever way that comes to me will be the motive. Whether I get to tell you outright that I LOVE you in every conversation, or perhaps I will say that I love something you do, you wear, you said, or anything else, I intend to find ways to share LOVE fully.  Even if I have to fake it till I make it, I will work on it.  Mark my words.  Starting this day.  

LOVE to YOU and yours,
~Jen <3

Hearts

"A heart is able to sustain life 70 - 80 - 100 years. But the heart that takes time to touch another heart has truly accomplished something that will outlast both of their lifetimes."

This quote was hand typed onto a page inserted into a notebook given to a friend of mine. She gave me the name of the sister who wrote it, but it's hidden away on my closed Facebook account.

While at BYU, I attended a Book of Mormon class offered by Reed Benson, President Ezra Taft Benson's son. As part of the course, he had us read and semi-memorize some of his father's talks.  One of them was his "Beware of Pride" talk.  It was stressed that President Benson felt that one of the key messages of the Book of Mormon was pride, and the cycle that followed a proud people.

During the most recent Passover, I began reading the story of Moses.  I observed the repeated use of the word "hard-hearted" in the account, and I began drawing hearts around the word "heart", in any form.  This practice took over my study of all scripture (and sometimes other books too), and has become an interesting visual as I flip through my scriptures.  

A day or so ago I was led to Psalms 24.  I read it over and over.  These verses stuck out: 

He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.  He shall receive the blessing from the LORD, and his righteousness from the God of his salvation.  This is the generation of them that seek him, that seek thy face, O Jacob.  Selah.  - Psalms 24: 4-6

As I was cleaning out some boxes yesterday, I came across an old book about baptism.  It was interesting to me, that the primary lesson for the intended childhood audience was that doing and performing good and was the key to making it into God's kingdom.  Yet that is all about outward things, and we are a people of outward ordinances.  But the Lord wants a pure heart.

When I skim over the pages in the Book of Mormon that I've read with my children since Passover (springtime), it is somewhat astounding to view how frequently hearts are referenced.  I'll paste in some page views for your viewing pleasure.

Since beginning this practice with my little red pencil, it has been astounding to see how frequently I come across the word "heart", referring to God speaking to one's heart, being hard-hearted, soft-hearted, and other variations.  Almost every time I open up the scriptures, there it is, regardless of whether or not I am looking at the Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, or Pearl of Great Price.

It's also been tempting to start drawing hearts around similar words that refer to the same concept (like beloved, love, swelling, etc.).  My kids have really enjoyed having a reason to draw in their scriptures too.  More importantly it has reminded me as I read, that the Lord looks upon our hearts, and even more than pride, this is one of the most dominant themes in the written word – all of them.

God IS Love.  It is no wonder that so much effort is made to point out that this center for feeling love is so crucial for our understanding.  I wonder if we ignore it, in lieu of preferring to focus more on the damnable negativity and others' sins?  Guilty!  But working on it.

Love conquers all.  Charity is the Pure Love of Christ.  Without charity man is nothing.  Let us focus more today on Love than we did yesterday.  I believe this has more to do with rising up than we may have any idea of.   

The Sin of Narcissism

For a long time I've been pondering on one particular subject.  It might seem clear as day to everyone else, but it really puzzled me, and I felt like there was more to this concept.  It has concerned me for so long, I began praying and asking for understanding.  It is about this.  

In Mormonism, we tend to re-tell the story of the pre-mortal life.  The nutshell version goes like this.
God the Father presented a plan.  He wanted to offer us an experience where we go to Earth, get a body, and get tested to see if we can return to Him.  He needed a redeemer, and Satan steps forward and says, "Here I am, send me."  He presents an addition to God's plan, but the catch is, Satan won't lose one soul; all will return, but he will get the glory.  

Then Jesus steps forward, and says, "Father, thy will bedone, and the glory be thine forever." (Moses 4:2)  We teach that he prefers to offer us agency on earth, and 2/3 of the host of heaven follows Jesus' plan.  1/3 follow Satan.  Jesus wins!  And we all come to earth, get a body, and have to find the correct church.  Once we find his correct church, we just have to do all the right ordinances, endure the end, and all will be saved because we did all the works we could, and Jesus' grace and Atonement cover the rest.  Right? :)  This is the story a sister in my ward summed up this past Sunday.  

I'd like to present a new version, one which might align more with our scriptures.  In fact, it might align more with truth, although my mind is currently veiled from remembering any of this, so my own interpretation might be just as erroneous as the nutshell version.  

My question I have been asking for some time is this.  What was so wrong with Satan insisting that not one soul is lost?  I mean, we teach that if we follow the prophet, we will never be led astray.  What's wrong with that?  This is not far from Satan's plan, if we really think about it.  So why is this a bad thing?  Do we not want all the souls to return?  

Our explanation?  Well, by doing this, we remove agency, as all mortals would need to do exactly as was required.  We'd have to keep all the commandments, and perhaps it would be a grueling experience.  What would that look like?  To follow Satan's plan, where not one soul would be led astray?  That's probably a question I really don't care to look too closely at.  Seems kind of ugly.

This past Sunday, I came upon another question, when reading Moses 4:1-4 in Relief Society.  The verse that really stuck out was this one: 

1. And I, the Lord God, spake unto Moses, saying: That Satan, whom thou hast commanded in the name of mine Only Begotten, is the same which was from the beginning, and he came before me, saying—Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, and surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor.

2. But, behold, my Beloved Son, which was my Beloved and Chosen from the beginning, said unto me—Father, thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever.

3. Wherefore, because that Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I, the Lord God, had given him, and also, that I should give unto him mine own power; by the power of mine Only Begotten, I caused that he should be cast down;

4. And he became Satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice.

I was going to create a really long post with this, and hopefully soon I will have more steam, but for tonight, I want to share this much.  Two points.  

One, this was not just a war over agency.  We already had it (vs.3).  It had already been given to us of the Father.  To belabor the war in heaven as a war completely over agency is not accurate.   

Two.  Satan wanted the Father's power.  Even more, he wanted to dethrone Him.  Yes, we may have heard this before, but let's take it a step farther.  I want to claim that the reason that Satan was so thoroughly thrown down was narcissism.  

Last week I went to an activity, in a sheer state of near depression.  It was a week of overwhelm, and I went to a ladies activity, almost seeking some sort of refuge.  I mean no offense to anyone who may read this, but after attending and pondering the evening, I experienced a wild amount of unveiling of this information.  I hope to lay it out clearly.  

The greatest sin is narcissism.  

Satan was thrown down for his insane amount of pompous, arrogant, proud narcissism.  

Our world is filled with, through and through, an ever increasing amount of narcissists.  

At the activity I went to, I arrived late (normal).  I sat in the back, and was then invited to sit next to a sister.  It felt remarkably comforting.  As the night went on, I admit I was feeling extremely introverted, almost wounded, out of sheer exhaustion from the labors of the week.  This was one time where I thought I might find some solace at a church activity.  There were several sisters who I got to talk to.  In talking with one, then one, then one, then one, I noticed a pattern: no one really cared about a single thing I was saying, at least not enough to let go of the activity and actually just converse more than 2 minutes.  

Yes, they cared, I'm sure.  Yet when the opportunity came up to continue on in the craft, or continuing talking to me, they chose to step away, mid-convo, and carry on with the craft.  

I came home seriously bummed.  I didn't even say goodbye to anyone.  I don't take it personally, because I know it wasn't me.  It was an activity to do an activity, and maybe I'm a poor sport for expecting it to be anything other than that.  But when I arrived home, it hit me.  

People like talking about themselves.  Email.  Facebook.  Twitter.  Social Media (like this awesome blog).  Look around.  Selfies, selfies, selfies.  Look at my kids.  Look at my job.  Look at my money.  Look at how awesome, awesome, AWESOME I am!  Heck, I am so awesome, I'm better than the next guy (pride).  I'm so awesome, I'm going to be the best ______ in my field, better than the person who taught me the ropes.  I'm worth so much more than I'm getting paid.  And everything is for sale.  

Doesn't that just make you feel creepy, just to read it?  It makes me shiver to write the words.  Satan got hewn down for his insane amount of narcissism.  And the best thing, in his world, that we can do is imitate him.  Not one soul will be lost, because they will be so flipping awesome, so perfect, so self serving.  And when we imitate him, and only care for ourselves, we have no love.  All we care about is ourselves.

Look at our country.  My husband has long said a certain man in power is quite the narcissist.  What does it mean, when the leader of the free world cares nothing for the ever increasing amount of poor and unemployed, yet takes entourages on endless -- and I mean ENDLESS -- vacations?  The man has played more rounds of golf than I have put on makeup this year.  Seriously.  No, seriously.  What kind of example is this to the people who put him there?  What is wrong with the people who put him there?  They were narcissists, seeking only the best for themselves, thinking this man would save them.  I remember the speeches, in front of white pillars, echoing speakers, as if he were some type of god.  Now, he gets to act like one.     

When we are the farthest from God, we have no love.  No concern for the beggar, no concern for the poor.  No concern for the sick.  No concern for the 21 Christians who lost their heads this week.  No concern for the sweatshops that give us cheap clothes.  No concern for the people in various lands who dumpster dive for trash to eat, or are so poor they do not even care to bury their dead.  No concern for any number of ills that we really can't solve, so we don't even try.  

My biggest concern this week was that my laptop crashed, after beginning this post.  It was as if Satan knew that I would have just a smidge of something to expose, and hijacked my laptop.  I am praying sincerely for something to be salvaged, but the man fixing it says it's highly unlikely I'll get anything off it it.  Four years of family pictures (b/c I'm too wrapped up in taking pics to actually take the time to get them developed), four years of work documents, important files... hopefully not gone, but quite possibly.  As I prepared to write a post about narcissism, all the things that make me think of myself could be inaccessible.  And to think I could have spent hours and hours printing them out.  But what does it serve humanity or my brother, to be self-inflicted with endless albums of photos, cropped and mounted just so?  Or endless stacks of "important documents"?  

I see the irony, and once again, realize I have so many flippin' idols.  I am yet SO SO far from putting God first.  I would pay $100, no $250 to get those pics back, but do you think I'd trust to put $250 into some effort to help Christians in Iraq?  Am I a narcissist?  I could say no, but I really don't think we have any comprehension of the nature of the people that exist in heaven, or will make up Zion.  So much of what we do is just nonsense.  What stops us from overcoming narcissism?  The only answer I have is love.  What else could there be?  

Warm Weather

Dear Josten,

I just realized something wonderful that I want to share with you, before I forget.

This past week, in the middle of March, we were in Utah.  Your grandmother's funeral services were over, and we were packing up all of our household goods, which have been in storage for nearly 6 months now.  Typically March in Utah is a very cold month, and some of the greatest snowfall happened while we lived in Utah during this month over the past 5 years.  It is also one of my most dreaded months to be in Utah, as when it would get windy, it would shake our mobile home.  It petrified me to sleep in that kind of weather.

I find it interesting to note that during the funeral, it was actually quite warm - 63 degrees, if I remember correctly.  It seems to me that Grandma told me the weather was also just as warm during one of our last conversations, before we even knew that she had cancer.

It's also interesting that when we spent two days packing up our things, from storage, to yard sale, to moving van, that it was also quite warm.  We were able to do all these things without winter coats on, and at some points, with only a short sleeved shirt.  You even asked why I didn't let you bring any shorts along.

As I sat in our home in Pennsylvania, I realized as I chatted with your other grandma that it was snowing outside.  Yes, it is the middle of March.  Yes, it is typically very cold during this month.

It took a moment for it to sink in, but it finally did.  The warm weather was a very tender mercy of the Lord.

We held your grandmother's funeral and burial services in the warmth.
We loaded our moving van for two days in the warmth.

Can you imagine if we had tried doing any of these things in the snow?  Shivering at a graveside dedication?  Unpacking our storage shed to sort through what we wanted to keep versus what we wanted to sell, setting boxes and goods into mushy slush?  Selling many things to complete strangers, in the frigid cold?  Spending 12+ hours, packing up what we wanted to keep, with gloves, coats, hats and scarves?

(photo source)

No, indeed God was very kind, merciful, and thoughtful for us during a very intense time of need.  So very grateful.

God loves you Josten.  I have to wonder if one of heaven's newest angels helped arrange that blessing for us.  It certainly helped things go a lot, lot more smoothly.

<3, Mom:)