Redeemed by the Blood of the Lamb

Dear Austin,

My grandmother used to have a favorite song that she always wanted to sing for others in Sacrament Meeting.  It was a song called "Redeemed".  I may have written about it before but it points out that the singer is "Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb".  Especially after my last post, I have something to write about being redeemed from.

Last week was pretty tough.  When I wrote the post to Magdalene, I felt about as low as I'd felt in a very long time.  I could have been very content to go live under a rock somewhere, and forget all our financial worries.  Having felt ridiculously horrible I called a friend and asked for some help.  I was given some very wise counsel, which helped me arise from my stupor of depression.

Interestingly enough, the next day something incredible happened.  I got to attend a field trip with Magdalene to a butterfly museum.  The day was hot and sticky, and sitting on a bus with 45 screaming first graders was not what I expected.  However I got to observe and enjoy the beauty of butterflies while chaperoning 6 very unique children.  It was enough to stress me out, to say the least.

However I took a few pictures, and shared them with my friend.  It was pointed out to me, that the butterfly is representative of "transformation".  When I arrived home from the trip, I had received an unexpected bill.  Several months before, I had applied for "charity aid" to cover the remainder of my hospital bill from when my appendix had been removed last November.  I hadn't heard anything since a month or two ago, so receiving the bill signaled that I had not qualified for the assistance.  One more bill to add to the pile.

But my heart was calm.  I wasn't worried, and I knew God would take care of me.  I had been transformed, from even just the day before.

Opening up the bill, I saw the $13,000+ amount due for hospital services.  I also knew there was another one sitting somewhere in my home which was $500+ for the physician's bill.  Flipping the bill over, I found the number for the financial services department.  I figured if anything, I'd better get on a payment plan; first though, I would inquire about what happened with the charitable thing.

When I spoke with Todd, he put me on hold for a few minutes.  I started cleaning the kitchen while I waited.  He came back on, and said something that was half cut off.  "What?" I asked him.  "The charges are dropped.  You owe nothing," he said.

Shut the heck up.  WHAT???  The charges are cleared???  We qualified.  $13,500+ in medical bills were wiped completely away.  It was as if we had won the lottery.  (Your dad had actually purchased a ticket a few nights prior.  It was the first time I was ever glad he did.)  But this was better.  I knew this came straight from the hand of God.  I cried, but this time, as opposed to the day before, they were tears of sheer joy.

I have heard my friend say that we must know the bitterness of hell to understand the joys of heaven.  That was indeed the case.  I don't know that I've ever felt such pure love from Christ as I have last week.  It would take us months, if not years to pay off that bill.  We could have not done it without a miracle.  Receiving this miracle was one of the most powerful feelings in the world.  It made feeling poor entirely worth it, to know that what I experienced was completely, sheerly, wholly the goodness and complete MERCY of GOD.  There is no other way around it.  God is so, so, so, so good.

Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb.  I cannot even begin to fathom, when all is said and done, and we meet God at His judgment bar, how incredible it will feel to know that we will be redeemed from sin because of the work of redemption He has given to us.  What an incredible, priceless gift that not even money can buy.

~Mom<3

The Current Great Depression

Dear Magdalene,

I've been meaning to write you some things for some time, but haven't really known where to start.  I hesitate broadcasting what I'm about to write online, but something keeps nagging at me to do it.  I hope that's ok.

This post might not be very inspiring, but I also feel the need to write it for a place to compare your future from.  While we don't exactly know how things will be in the future, being able to look to the present, which will soon be the past, is often nice as a reference point.  I hope what lies ahead is better, yet I'm trying to be grateful for what we have today.

About two weeks ago we all went to the local school carnival.  You and your little brothers wanted to play games, which all required tickets.  Most of all, you wanted to go through the bouncy house thing, which cost $2 a run through.  Each run through would take about 30 seconds.  While that might be pocket change for some people, paying $6 for three of my kids to have 30 seconds of fun just seemed wasteful.  It's a miracle you didn't meltdown in screaming that you couldn't go through.  I'm guessing it's because your friends were around.  Despite my stinginess, something inside me broke at not being willing to pay that for your limited enjoyment.  I had $5 to spend for the day.

I'd like to tell you what kind of work it takes for our family to earn $6.00.  Many people might laugh at this, but some will understand completely.  To make $6, Daddy has to throw boxes at work for about 35 minutes.  That's a lot of money, and a great paying job, if it were in a country like Thailand or India.  For us, it doesn't make ends meet.  But it's the best we've been able to find so far.  And Daddy drives 45 minutes to get there.  I know you don't realize why he's never here when you are, but let me explain Dad's schedule.  He's up most days at 5:30.  He works in town from 6am to 2pm.  He comes home, catches a power nap, and leaves between 3 and 4pm to drive 45 minutes so he can throw boxes for the next 5-6 hours.  He gets home about 10 to 11pm, showers (because he's filthy and often all scratched up from all the boxes).  He crashes in bed about 11:30pm, and the next day he starts all over.  He even gets to work Sundays.  They generously let him off for Church, but he surmised they wouldn't hire him unless he was willing to work when they wanted him to.  And we needed the income, so he agreed.

Two months ago we had a chance to get ahead.  Because our income is so low, we got some "Obama money" as many call it.  A fat old tax refund of about $8000.  That would take your dad at least 6 months of income to bring in, before expenses and what not.  It felt like the windows of heaven were opened.  I cried, because it felt like such a generous gift.  We figured out how we could spend it wisely, and even pondered how we could invest a small sum into a potential business, while paying down our debt significantly.

Within a week of receiving that check, your grandma passed away.  Daddy flew to Utah to try to see her before she passed.  The money was a Godsend, and made it possible for you and me and your brothers to join him for the funeral, which proved a wise investment.  Daddy needed our support.  However, airfare wasn't cheap, and because we left all our things in Utah when we left last summer, we realized it was the only time we could pack it up to bring it home.  So another $2000+ went toward moving our things to join us in PA.  We had a small buffer left from Obama's "stash" – (I say that facetiously.  Many of our friends would scorn the fact that we even got it.  It's at the expense of their taxes.  It certainly does not come from Obama's pocket or book sales.) – so we listed our home that Grandma was living in for sale, and hoped it would sell quick.  It's been two months, and it's still on the market.  We even offered to finance people.

All this said, we're trying, honey.  I wish I could blow $2 for you to laugh for 30 seconds.  I wish I could buy you anything you'd ever want, but the truth is, I don't even know how to pay the bills – and there are many.  To add insult to injury, we are now responsible for our share of Grandma's funeral costs.  $2500 bill started yesterday in $25 increments.  We'll be lucky if we can pay it in the next 5 years.  I don't even know the interest rate, but I wasn't given an option in the first place about anything pertaining to it, so I just leave it up to Daddy to worry about.

I don't know how to make things better.  My hope is that I can get my own starter business off the ground soon enough.  It's slow going, and the massage element will likely destroy my body over the next few years if I'm not careful.  The reason I'm sharing this is, I want you to know we are trying our best.  We are working our asses off, quite literally.  We're already living with your other grandparents, and I'm not sure what else to do to cut costs.  Daddy's already working two jobs, and despite being highly qualified, the good paying jobs are just slim, and those hiring can be especially picky, as the hiring pool is large.  College was a waste, but we believed what everyone told us.  Don't believe everything everyone tells you.  I'm finding that most of the time, they're all wrong.  But there are a few inspired people out there, who will help keep you straight.

There is a spiritual element in this.  I don't glory in being broke, and believe being "poor" is a state of mind.  However it's so easy to see how being broke can lead to being poor.  That said, Jesus warned us about wealth.  It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.  That verse resonated so many times, as I see countless people driving in surely hard earned shiny new cars, enjoying travel, fun, food, and all the luxuries that come with wealth, while I trust that my meager investments in oils and massage tools will someday get us there.  But why?  Why do I seek after that, if Christ says it is harder to get to heaven that way?  And why does he say that?  What is it about wealth that makes it hard?

I would guess it's the blind eye toward the poor, and the priority of bigger and greater over helping those who cannot cover the basics.  The whole of America is guilty of this, even among many like us who are without much income.  In our "broke" state never have to worry that we'll have food in our cupboards.  No, we have a stash of dead food to last us at least 18 months.

I hope that in writing this, you and I both have a point of reference to look back on, and smile at how far we've come.  We all hope that things get better, but the truth is we're in an economic depression.  The news media will never call it that, because their guy is in office, but it is what it is.  Our great-grandparents experienced this, and now we get to.  I wish we could have their words to read, to see how they got by, or how they made dandelion soup, but they were too busy working their butts off just to make ends meet.  Maybe that's why we only have the records of the rich.  We sure don't have many journals from farm laborers, coal miners, and the steel workers that are in our family tree, but it's the bankers and politicians who show up in the biographical annals.  Maybe that's why the generic name of the father of your illegitimate great-great-great-grandfather is only listed on the birth certificate, because he could afford to keep his fatherhood off the other published records for us to find – although it is likely he was one of the most prominent men in the state.  Today, I think it's sad what we value.  I hope in all this, you and I learn something more than the value of money.  And I hope I can teach you how not to melt down when you don't get what you want.  Laughs are much more enjoyable than tears, especially when I'm the one who gets to do most of the listening.

Seer Stones

Dear Josten,

Today my scripture study led me someplace really unique, and some big words are sticking out at me.

Last week in the mail, you saw how I received a big box of stones.  They were a graduation gift, and WaWa let me open them up early.  They were a set of 57 massage stones, to be used in a "hot stone" massage.  We were all overjoyed, even though you and your siblings really didn't know what we all so excited about.

Yesterday, when doing some blog exploring, I can across a really interesting site called One Climbs.  The author created an image of what s/he believes the interpreters used by Joseph Smith looked like, when he translated the Book of Mormon.  (If s/he gives me permission, I'll update this post and include the artwork.)  They included "seer stones", and the depiction is quite fascinating.  Made me want to explore the topic some more.

(When I took this pic, I had no idea this post would be written a few days later... or that this would have such a fun connotation to this post!)

So this morning, as I opened up my scriptures, I knew it was time again to do my time tested method of deciding where to read: close my eyes and ask "where should I read today?"  It's been a few weeks since I had the time to just sit and listen to the answer, even though it usually pops in my head before I get to finish asking the question.  D&C 32.

This section is quite short actually.  And some words and phrases impressed me.  It's a revelation given to Parley P. Pratt.  Love him.  (Read The Key to the Science of Theology on my bookshelf, or for free on the Kindle App by clicking that link.  He has some marvelous thoughts on angels, spirits, and dreams, which few contemporary authors have expounded upon.  Love that book.)  Anyways, using the footnotes next to Parley's name, I went to D&C 50:37 and started skimming what was going on there for him.  A few verses down, verse 44 says

Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd, and the stone of Israel. He that buildeth upon this rock shall never fall.

Did somebody just say stone?  Last night after thinking about the seer stones used for translation, I remember learning somewhere along the way about two of the stones used by the brother of Jared.  When preparing to cross the ocean, the brother of Jared was perplexed as to how there would be light within the barges which the Lord instructed him to build.  The brother of Jared asked the Lord to touch 16 stones so that they would give light within the barges.  After the Nephite civilization was destroyed (whether it be their structure, or their lives in general), Moroni deposited the plates he inscribed upon, along with a breatsplate, the sword of Laban, and the Urim and Thummim.  My understanding is that there were two of these stones, touched by the finger of the Lord, which made up the U&T.

(Not quite like the Urim & Thummim... but close?:)

Back to the verse, the Lord is the good shepherd, the stone of Israel.  It was His light, his finger touching stones, that gave literal light within the barges.  It was these stones, touched by his finger, that allowed for the Book of Mormon to be translated.  If we build upon Him, we shall never fall.

I flipped back to D&C 32, and skimmed the page.  On the right side, I found D&C 33:13.

And upon this rock I will build my church; yea, upon this rock ye are built, and if ye continue, the gates of hell shall not prevail against you.

We used to refer to this idea on my mission, when teaching the 3rd discussion.  We would say that Christ was the foundation, Peter the chief cornerstone, and then start building a makeshift church with Dixie cups.  We would end up focusing the remainder of the discussion on the church as a whole, and less on the idea that Christ is the rock.  But for this post, I want to re-focus back on the rock.  What does that mean, really?  If we build on Him?  Feel free to let that sit with you for awhile.  There are lots of references to Him being the rock EVERYwhere.

In some of the random classes I've been to over the years, I've learned some fun properties about rocks.  This year in school you learned all about the rock cycles.  How rocks are forms, how long they take to form, and different things they can/can't do.  In my classes, I've learned how some rocks like quartz are actually some of the best conductors of electricity on the planet.  How interesting that the Source of Light would touch His finger on 16 rocks, at the request of Jared's brother, and those stones would hold the energy from his touch for months while they crossed the ocean(s).

Another thought I saw someone present on another blog's comment thread is that we need to depend more upon God Himself, rather than people, an institution, or even our own intuition.  That last one struck me.  So very true.  I should not be trusting my intuition so wholly as I should be trusting God Himself.  I do not know of any source in the scriptures where I am told to trust myself, but only the Spirit of God within me.  Perhaps that's what I'm getting at, when I say or am told to "trust your/my gut".  Perhaps my intuition is based upon my connection to God, but even my intuition has been known to make mistakes.

Anyways, very long post.  I hope you get the idea.  Run with it!

Love you!
~Mom<3 

Spirit Sensitivity

Dear Daniel,

I'm DONE!!!  Today I took my final examination required to become a massage therapist.  When I began this blog over a year and a half ago (?), I never expected that this "major shift" would turn me into a massage therapist!  But here we are, and I'm almost done.  In a few days you'll have your mommy completely home again, and we can make as many messes as we want.

(Thank you for the beautiful flowers! xoxo!)

I've missed getting to spend my days with you and Austin.  Sure, the older ones were at school all day, and mostly I'd be here for them.  I hope you and your siblings weren't traumatized by hanging out with your pappy and daddy half the days.  I know lots of people do that situation, where the mom just isn't able to be in the home.  But this decision felt hard for me, despite its rightness, because it didn't make sense in so many ways.  I remember worrying to one of my classmates, saying those exact "I hope my boys aren't traumatized" words.  She said to me, "They'll be just fine!"  Hopefully time proves her right. You seem to be just fine.

There's a magical discovery that happened during these months of school.  There is a power in our bodies that few of us realize, and it is the power of one's spirit.  Generally we neglect, and many even deny, that such a thing is there.  But when we die, it is our ever-living spirit which carries on, while our bodies return to the ground from whence we are told they came.  In practicing massage, I have learned to greater feel my own spirit, and the literal impact it can have on the spirits of others.

I remember several years ago, not quite understanding why my own spirit seemed so unique.  Some situations bothered me more than they would bother the average person.  WaWa always said that I needed to "toughen up" my skin, and not be so sensitive.  At times she's right, but I'm observing that it is my sensitive skin that is in fact a gift.  I don't need to necessarily please other people, or worry about holding up my pride.  It doesn't matter if I'm the only one to ever apologize for doing something wrong, while the other party feels their pride in "being right".  It'll work itself out.  I trust that being sensitive and impacted by the spirits and energies of others is part of who I am, and part of the gifts that God has given me.

Perhaps this might not be that insightful for you, and perhaps it will be.  Some people take offense at things that should not be taken offense at, and it will be up to you to forgive them, and not let their negative spirits cut into your beautiful, sensitive spirit.  You seem to be as easily affected by others' energies as I am, so will warn you that this can hurt, when you are unprepared.  But get prepared.  Take care of your body, and show it respect, so that you appreciate and protect the gift that is inherent in you, as it is in me.

You are my sunshine...

I'm so glad I get to spend more time with you.  It is the biggest relief, to know that I can now be home with you each and every day if I want to.  I hope that with accomplishing this remarkable goal, it will bless your life as you grow.  It certainly has awakened a power I never knew existed.

xoxoxoxo
~Mom<3

Alma to Helaman - Psst... by the way

Dear Austin, 

Yesterday I was reading a few of the words of Alma.  I do believe he's one of my favorite prophets, although I almost wonder if he called himself one.

In Alma 45:9, Alma's talking to his son, Helaman, as in the leader of the 2000 Ammonites (aka "Stripling Warriors").  He shares a prophecy with him in a very interesting way.

9 But behold, I have somewhat to prophesy unto thee; but what I prophesy unto thee ye shall not make known; yea, what I prophesy unto thee shall not be made known, even until the prophecy is fulfilled; therefore write the words which I shall say.

10 And these are the words: Behold, I perceive that this very people, the Nephites, according to the spirit of revelation which is in me, in four hundred years from the time that Jesus Christ shall manifest himself unto them, shall dwindle in unbelief.

I've read this more times than I can count.  Certain parts never struck me like they did yesterday and today.

Alma told Helaman something that no one else would know.  He prohibited it, which sharing and prohibition were likely directed by the Lord.  Why did he tell Helaman, and why could Helaman not share it?

These things were known among the prophets, but the general population would not be made aware at all.  I wonder, besides the obvious, why?  There were plenty of leaders warning the people to repent.  And every other time I've read this, I've wondered, "Well duh.  It was prophesied.  Didn't the people hear the voices of warning?  Why didn't they do something?"  But it occurred to me that maybe they didn't know this destruction was imminent at the time of 400 years post-resurrection.  While the true prophets warned, the bulk of the people likely ignored the warnings, and because of it, they ripened in pride and iniquity.

It makes me wonder what prophecies we might be not paying much attention to.  Like what about the warning and condemnation the church members as a whole received in the 1800s for not studying and using the Book of Mormon more.  Do you think we're any better?  Do we know who Aminadab is?  Or Gidgidoni or Lachoneus?  Does it matter?  We may not need to memorize stories, but we should know the words of this piece of scripture well enough that we can recall the stories of these people as well as we can recall the stories of the more commonly known people like Nephi and Lehi.  Just my opinion.

Love you!
~Mom<3   

Unrighteous Dominion in the Skies

Dear Magdalene,

I've been wanting to write to you about authority for several days now.  We had an interesting event, you and I, on the airplane coming home from Utah.  An encounter with "authority", per se.  We had a bossy flight attendant who didn't know how to use manners, but ordered everyone around for even the littlest of things.

We learned that just because someone has "authority" doesn't make them right.  You had to use the bathroom after this woman pressured you into drinking a whole can of soda, which was meant to be a treat, not a chore.  You drank it, and once the seatbelt sign went on to land the plane, you had to pee.  Of course, you had to wait at least 10-15 minutes, while the plane seemed to circle around and around, for fear of the monster flight-attendant reprimanding you... and me.

When you started crying because you were afraid you couldn't hold it, and the plane had landed but not yet made it to the gate, we got unbuckled and walked two steps toward the bathroom before the flight attendant scolded, "What are you doing???"  She demanded you and I get back in our seats.  I tried to explain your predicament.  She declared we were breaking the law and FAA regulations.  She declared this twice, insisting again we get back in our seats.  I warned her you might pee your pants.  She didn't care.  She said that was your "choice".  

Is this "unrighteous dominion"?  Using a position of authority to insist that someone who does not hold that authority do something contrary to common sense, common respect, or common decency?  To bully someone into drinking a full can of soda, insisting they follow a law meant to protect them, and then humiliate them with a potentially very embarrassing situation?

I supposed I should have told you to go ahead and pee on the seat.  Maybe we could've been arrested for indecent exposure for all I know.  I took the lady's name, but after sleeping on it, I realized that being "consumer avenger" like I used to be wasn't worth it.  Writing the airline a nice long letter of complaint on why I think this woman is poorly representing the company would've been my normal routine, but after learning what I have learned this past year, and realizing that this could very well be a test for me, I realized it would be better to forgive this poor power-greedy woman, and pray for her soul.  Satan accuses.  Jesus forgives.  I made my choice, now it was time to follow through for once.

Maybe she never owned "power" as a woman.  Maybe she feels inferior, so she uses this false "authority" to domineer over others so she can feel like a better person.  In the end, it doesn't matter much anymore to me.  But it does matter as a lesson for us in unrighteous dominion.

In D&C 121, it talks extensively about Priesthood power, and this very same concept.  While it applies specifically to those who hold the Priesthood, I believe it applies to all human beings in any position of authority.  We know when our "control" is wrong, when it's domineering, condescending  and abusive.  Insisting others keep our secrets, manipulating them, harassing them or other kinds of subtle control are just as evil as outright demands and abuse.  Guard against it.  And if you have to be subservient, pray for the one inflicting the evil.  They need your prayers more than you need to hold the anger and resentment that they foster.  You're better off letting it go.

Love you!
~Mom<3

Warm Weather

Dear Josten,

I just realized something wonderful that I want to share with you, before I forget.

This past week, in the middle of March, we were in Utah.  Your grandmother's funeral services were over, and we were packing up all of our household goods, which have been in storage for nearly 6 months now.  Typically March in Utah is a very cold month, and some of the greatest snowfall happened while we lived in Utah during this month over the past 5 years.  It is also one of my most dreaded months to be in Utah, as when it would get windy, it would shake our mobile home.  It petrified me to sleep in that kind of weather.

I find it interesting to note that during the funeral, it was actually quite warm - 63 degrees, if I remember correctly.  It seems to me that Grandma told me the weather was also just as warm during one of our last conversations, before we even knew that she had cancer.

It's also interesting that when we spent two days packing up our things, from storage, to yard sale, to moving van, that it was also quite warm.  We were able to do all these things without winter coats on, and at some points, with only a short sleeved shirt.  You even asked why I didn't let you bring any shorts along.

As I sat in our home in Pennsylvania, I realized as I chatted with your other grandma that it was snowing outside.  Yes, it is the middle of March.  Yes, it is typically very cold during this month.

It took a moment for it to sink in, but it finally did.  The warm weather was a very tender mercy of the Lord.

We held your grandmother's funeral and burial services in the warmth.
We loaded our moving van for two days in the warmth.

Can you imagine if we had tried doing any of these things in the snow?  Shivering at a graveside dedication?  Unpacking our storage shed to sort through what we wanted to keep versus what we wanted to sell, setting boxes and goods into mushy slush?  Selling many things to complete strangers, in the frigid cold?  Spending 12+ hours, packing up what we wanted to keep, with gloves, coats, hats and scarves?

(photo source)

No, indeed God was very kind, merciful, and thoughtful for us during a very intense time of need.  So very grateful.

God loves you Josten.  I have to wonder if one of heaven's newest angels helped arrange that blessing for us.  It certainly helped things go a lot, lot more smoothly.

<3, Mom:)

Heavenward

Dear Josten, Magdalene, Austin and Daniel,

Today I fasted for your grandmother.  So did her ward.  She's been diagnosed with cancer, and they haven't even been able to locate where the cancer is originating.  We believe in miracles, so we fasted with hope.  The doctors just told us about 2 hours ago to prepare for her to not make it through the night.

There seems to be something going on in heaven.  A lot of very wonderful people are passing, and your grandmother Mary is indeed wonderful.  I love her as I know you do.  It makes no sense to me that someone can be fine one day, and then 2 weeks later be passing so quickly through the veil.  She has not gone yet, and somehow we still hope she will be granted a miracle.  

During our last phone call together, your grandma cried that she wasn't ready to die yet.  She wanted to see her grandkids grow up.  I hope and pray she still has that resolve, but I also know she has no fear of passing.  She has intense love of our Savior, so there is no fear for where she's headed.  

It's all just so unexpected.  

I do believe something's going on, beyond.  Maybe, since some of you are very sensitive to things going on beyond the veil – maybe she will come and clue you in, and you can clue some of the rest of us in on the action.  Hopefully it's not quite yet.    

Love you all,

~Mom<3